Just Past Easter: Walk to Peace Through a Promise
By Rev. Laura J. Kirkpatrick
Laura is a North Indiana Probationary Deacon in the United Methodist Church, USA.

I had been traveling to and fro, visiting friends and family while in between jobs. I was beginning to wear down and family matters certainly didn’t help. In this season of unrest, it became apparent that my grandparents were no longer the physically and mentally sound people they used to be. My dad was in denial. My mother was “ticked off “ in between, so she's venting to me. One sister was stressing over a newly purchased building for her grassroots business. The other sister just lost her nearest and dearest mentor. One uncle went to the hospital with chest pains, while another uncle was rushed in for stitches due to a job injury.

And somewhere in there, exhausted from travels, battling two infections with multiple doctor visits and meds, when I realized that I will soon be without healthcare! To complicate all of these matters, I was carrying a chunk of kryptonite-like anger the size of "the bean" in Chicago's Millennial Park! That's a lot for a 5'7" underweight chick to carry!

I had had enough! My mind was shot. My nerves were frazzled. I couldn't listen to my family anymore, and I certainly couldn't watch the wanes and wails/Wales? of the world on television any longer! I couldn't call my significant other or even my friends as I had already overloaded their sensors when I dumped in their ears earlier! Ahhh, I had to talk to someone! Go somewhere! Do something; before my family decided to lock me away forever!

So, I went up stairs and crawled in bed with my journal, my Bible, and a huge stack of tissues. I cried, and I cried, and I cried some more, but all of the hurt, confusion, aches, and pains were still there. No matter how many tears fell, no matter how many overblown tissues I used up, I still hurt inside!

I picked up my journal. If I couldn't cry the hurt and pain away, then certainly I could write it out. I wrote pages and pages of the "ick" in my journal. I told God I was “ticked off,” and it is about time to send the Holy Spirit or something!

Finally, my hands got tired. I couldn't hold the journal and pen any longer. I had to put them down. I had tried talking. I had tried crying. I had tried writing, and nothing worked. I still felt like a messed up loser trapped in Superman's kryptonite!

When all else failed, I prayed. I said, “God I really need you, and I wish you'd send a lightning bolt, but don't strike me! I want to live a little longer...just let me see a lightning bolt so I know you are near.” I tried asking God for help, but I didn't feel a thing. When I didn't get an immediate response, I finally sucked it up, and said to God, "Fine, if you're gonna be that way, I'll open my bible, but YOU better provide something or...or else!"

I picked up my little travel bible full of left over sermons and the seams broken - not from my reading, but from being in my purse and other travel bags...gotta at least look like I read it. I flipped a few pages, and I realized it was the week after Easter, and God took me on a walk.

My fingers walked the pages of my raggedy bible, and I landed in Luke 24 with the Walk to Emmaus. After walking through Luke's story, I was led to John's interpretation, and it was John 20:19-23 that helped me restore peace, which says...

"When it was evening on that day, the first day of the week, and the doors of the house where the disciples had met were locked for fear of the Jews, Jesus came and stood among them and said, ‘Peace be with you.’ After he said this, he showed them his hands and his side. Then the disciples rejoiced when they saw the Lord. Jesus said to them again, ‘Peace be with you. As the Father has sent me, so I send you.’ When he had said this, he breathed on them and said to them, ‘Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven them; if you retain the sins of any, they are retained.’ "

Oh my gosh, God "cut me to the heart" as I suddenly began to identify "the chains" that locked me in fear. The Spirit helped me identify the chains of fear: chains of anger, chains of loss, chains of change, and naming these chains was like unlocking a padlock the size of Mt. Rushmore! These invisible, but weighty chains slid off my head, passed my shoulders, over my hips, and hit the floor surrounding my feet. I had once again discovered MOST of the "Peace of Christ". But there was still one thing to do.

I reread John 20:23, "23If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven them; if you retain the sins of any, they are retained.’

How could I begin to forgive this person who had wounded me to the core? Why couldn't I forgive them? Because I wanted this person to wallow and rot in the pig sty muds of guilt and shame! But, what if the person really didn't see the hurt caused? What if the person really thought they were doing me a favor? Oh my goodness, if the person is really living in this much self-deception, I feel sorry for this child of God. I am sad for this person being so blind to the truth and honesty. I am sad that this person has to live in so many layers of manipulation they can no longer speak truth, love and joy. I was beginning to let go of those “sins” of the other.

My heart began to weep for this beloved child of God. This poor, poor child who is so hurt, so distracted, so mangled that they cannot find the truth to be set free. Oh, I wept for this person and for myself. Then, I picked up my right foot and my left and I walked out of those chains. I walked out of the chains of fear and walked into the light of forgiveness, truth, and freedom. I joined Christ in not just walking to peace, but walking in peace… with the promise of forgiveness through the movement of the Holy Sprit.

In the days that followed, my body began to heal from infection. When I was able to get out of bed, I walked downstairs and found a note card and pen. I sat down, and I finally wrote a note to the one whom I could finally begin to forgive.

I sealed the envelope and dropped it in the mailbox. Amazingly, my sense of humor has returned, and health insurance is just around the corner. I am walking in the peace and the promise of Christ.

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